I am Dionysus, God of Wine and Revelry! The Romans called me Bacchus, those nasty stealers! However, they can’t be half-bad, seeing as they worship me! Anyhow, I live on Mt. Olympus, which means that, when compared to me, you are all simply vermin. Not that I like to brag, but besides being God of Wine, I can also be symbolized by grapes, wine cups, wine-skins, the thyrsus, which is a staff made out of a pine cone, lions, bulls, goats, tigers, flutes, pomegranates, the snake, and ivy! Disrespect any of these symbols, and you will feel my wrath! Which, of course, is very great, seeing as I possess superhuman-strength, vitality, and longevity, as well as the power to change form, teleport myself, control vine growth, and make you go insane, like you had been drinking wine. Which reminds me (gulps down some grape juice). Ah, that’s better. Now, I am a god who is extremely loyal to my wives. I only have a few, two of which include Ariadne, the Princess of Crete, and Aphrodite, Goddess of Love. Ariadne and I had four children: Oenopion, Thomas, Cataphylls, and Peparethus. Aphrodite and I had three children: Charites, Hymenaios, and Priapus. No, despite the fact that it might seem like I have quite a few children, I simply hate them. I would much rather spend my days partying and drinking wine than bringing another disgusting, little wretch into existence. Now, there are many famous myths about me, including one about my premature death. Hera, Queen of the Gods, disliked the fact that my father, Zeus, had given birth to me. Desperate for revenge, she hired some Titan-assasins to murder me. They lured me to them with toys and other luxuries--I have always had a weakness for the finer things--where, they slayed me. On the ground, where my blood fell, a pomegranate tree grew. This disconcerted the Titans, who proceeded to make me into a soup. They shall not go unpunished! Athena was then brought to me, drawn by the smell of Dionysus-soup. Ha, ha, ha. She then resurrected me, and I then proceeded to go into hiding, where I invented wine, my greatest achievement. Anyhow, I then proceeded to explore the world, when pirates captured me. They mocked me, so I made grape vines surround the ship, and the roaring of tigers fill their ears. They were so scared that they jumped overboard, apparently to their doom. However, I’m a nice guy, so I took pity on them, and turned them into the world’s first dolphins. Ever wonder why dolphins were so human-like? Anyway, … (gulps down another glass of wine) so refreshing! I…(gulp) I can be quite loving and peaceful… (gulp) But not right now! (gulp) Ahhhhh! See you next year! Sianara! Auf wiedersehen! Au revoir! Especially to you, Aphrodite! Dionysus out!
In case you didn't feel like reading that, here is his complete profile:
Roman Name: Bacchus
God of: Wine and Revelry
One of the Fourteen Main Olympians: Yes
Mother: Semele, a mortal
Children: Oenopion, Thomas, Cataphylls, Peparethus, Charites, Hymenaios, and Priapus
Myth: See above